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I have three cousins who are going to be freshmen in college next month. One of my cousins emailed me sounding very excited for her first year. I decided to act like a 30 year old cousin and give her some advice. I’m sure she rolled her eyes the second she opened the email, but maybe she’ll keep it in her inbox and refer to it once in a while.

Anyways, here’s what I wrote her. I put it in the Mad Libs version so it could be applicable for others if you want to copy and paste it.

Hi (excited high school graduate). Your classes that you registered for sound great. I also wasn’t a great math student and took (difficult college math course). It turned out ok, but I got a lot of extra help, like they have help sessions. I suggest you go to as many as possible. I ended up with  a B- in the class, and that was one of my lowest grades in college, but I felt great satisfaction after finishing a course that was so hard for me.

The courses sound awesome. (Language you didn’t pass out of) will seem really basic at first, but it gets hard quickly, so just go with the easiness and try and improve your skills. I was a lazy ass my first year and got burned my second year of (said language) because it got much harder.

I know you’re already getting annoyed by the advice, but I have more. No one gave me good advice, they told me to join a sorority. That was a MISTAKE. Actually, my brother once told me to study on Friday before everyone goes out at night. That was good advice.

So in terms of your classes. Go to your professors’ office hours. Introduce yourself. Go back again. Don’t stalk though. It helps your grade in the end and if you ever need a recommendation, they know who you are.

Read everything they assign even though most people won’t. Also, as a freshman you will have a ton of free time, so instead of being bored or getting into something you shouldn’t, read for your classes. Remember, you’re paying for your education so you might as well learn something and you’ll do better on the exams and sound smarter when you talk during class or when you meet with your professors during office hours.

Go to that library orientation that you’re going to want to not go to.

Commit to going to the gym four days a week. The gym at (university) is freakin nice. And you’re already paying for it with your student fees. If you do have to pay something, it’s nominal.  When you leave college, a gym costs thousands of dollars. Working out will make you feel better and is good for your health. You don’t have to be the most in shape person in the world, but getting your heart rate up is a good thing. You’ll reduce your stress load, etc.

Only order the pizza/breadsticks thing maybe once a week. Less is better. All these skinny people will be eating that crap nonstop and that freshman 15 is no joke. You can use your time at (university) to become healthy. I’m not saying lose weight, but no need to ingest all that fat and cholesterol into your system. But you do want to treat yourself once in a while.

If you’re having issues see a shrink at school. Again, it’s cheap and you might as well deal with stuff before you get into the real world and it’s a lot harder and more expensive.

Join a club or two, get involved, but remember you’re there to be a student. However, a club of some sort is the only way you will make friends especially if the people in your dorm suck for some reason.

And remember, a club or organization is as cool as you say or think it is. Cool is relative. 

When you are at a party, always have a buddy, someone you come and leave with. Watch out for each other: having a friend around is your best protection against date rape. Agree not to leave without each other. Date rape is real and usually happens when someone is wasted. Speaking of wasted, don’t drink and drive, and don’t get in a car with someone driving drunk. People don’t drive better drunk in college.

Condoms, condoms, condoms. With that said, if you’re not having sex yet, don’t feel pressured to lose your virginity. Screw that. You’ll have sex when you’re good and ready. I have several friends who didn’t start having sex until they graduated college and they are perfectly normal, happy people.

I mean, pot isn’t going to kill you unless you drive or something. It might make you waste a lot of time if you’re spaced out so you won’t do as well in school. But anything besides pot could cause damage of some sort, usually emotional. So just don’t try it. I’ve never tried any of that crap and I could die tomorrow and not regret not frying my brain.

You’re going to come across ethical situations. If your instinct is that it’s wrong, then it probably is wrong. You have a good core. Look to it when you have a dilemma. If you have to rationalize something to go through with it, then you probably shouldn’t be doing it.

Something our Aunt Edith taught me: don’t put anything in writing that you wouldn’t want on the front page of the New York Times. What would be more appropriate today would be on the front page of the Google search engine. But seriously. You’re going to get pissed off at people. You’re going to fall in love with people. Before sending out that fuck you or I love you email, wait 24 hours and see if you still think it’s a good idea. Anything can wait 24 hours, especially when you know it can be forwarded to half the world.

The blog thing. Employers are looking at myspace etc., and you don’t want to lose an opportunity because you felt the need to post a photograph of yourself downing a shot or posing half naked or something.

Also, do your best. Grades do count in college. Because if you do well, you can stave off the real world and go to a good graduate school and even get scholarships.

One last thing. College is not utopia. We old folks make it sound like that, but I shed plenty of tears during my four years. Not every day was good.

However, it’s the only time in your life where you will get to act like an adult but not have any of the responsibilities of an adult. So that’s as close to

Eden

as any of us will ever really get.

Have a great year!

Do you have advice for my cousins? Add it to the comments section.

As the civilian death tolls in both Lebanon and Israel climb, as the sufferings of the young and old are evidenced by the photographs of the bloodied and dismembered, as leaders point fingers at each other, the question that begs to be asked is where is the United Nations?

In the history course that I teach to sophomores we study the horrors of WWII. We discuss the horrific atrocities committed by the Nazis, the incredible civilian and military losses suffered by the Soviets, and the incredible sacrifices made by the Allies, culminating in the bloody but victorious D-Day. We end the unit with debating President Truman’s decision to drop the Atom Bomb which prevented the loss of thousands of American lives while causing the suffering of hundreds of thousands of Japanese civilians.

After the WWII test, the students study the establishment of United Nations. Learning about the United Nations is somewhat comforting after being entrenched in the history of two World Wars. Not that the teens are naive and think that a mere institution can cure all of the world’s ills. However, the establishment of the United Nations seems like a genuine attempt as stated in its charter:

to save succeeding generations from the scourge of war,
which twice in our lifetime has brought untold sorrow to mankind,
and to reaffirm faith in fundamental human rights,
in the dignity and worth of the human person, in the equal rights of men and women and of nations large and small,
and to establish conditions under which justice and respect for the obligations arising from treaties and other sources of international law can be maintained,
and to promote social progress and better standards of life in larger freedom,

AND FOR THESE ENDS
to practice tolerance and live together in peace with one another as good neighbours,
and to unite our strength to maintain international peace and security,
and to ensure, by the acceptance of principles and the institution of methods, that armed force shall not be used, save in the common interest,
and to employ international machinery for the promotion of the economic and social advancement of all people…,

This summer, as I review my curriculum, I realize that it will be hard to teach about the United Nations simply in the context of hope, or even with a straight face. The 21st century has proven this organization effete and discredited.

To be clear, I don’t view the UN as Anti-Semitic in its aims. I don’t hate the United Nations for its resolutions against Israel, although I may disagree with most of them. I am cognizant of the fact the United Nations was not established to always issue policy that agree with my politics.

However, there is one unarguable fact. The conflict between the Israel and Hezbollah is out of hand and the United Nations has done nothing to end the conflict. The humanitarian crisis faced by Lebanese and the horror experienced by Israelis are nothing less than barbarism. However, Israel does have a right to defend itself against a terrorist organization that amasses weapons to terrorize Israeli cities and crosses international boarders to kidnap IDF soldiers.

Again though, where is the UN? The real villains in this story, besides the obvious, are Iran and Syria. These two countries, which are member states of the UN, are the fuel behind this conflict and are facing absolutely no consequences for arming and funding Hezbollah. They are the evil puppet masters pulling the strings in southern Lebanon and wreaking havoc on the lives of innocents, from the parents of the kidnapped soldiers and the Israeli civilians watching their brothers and sisters being killed by rockets to the Lebanese civilians killed by Israeli air strikes or forced to flee their homes and jobs to escape death.

Both Iran and Syria should be condemned, sanctioned by and expelled from the United Nations until they renounce Hezbollah and stop aiding and abetting terrorists. They caused this mess and must be punished.

I can’t believe I’m agreeing with President Bush on something, but he had the right idea when he was caught on microphone telling British Prime Minister Tony Blair: “the … thing is what they need to do is to get Syria, to get Hezbollah to stop doing this shit and it’s over…I felt like telling Kofi to call, to get on the phone to Assad and make something happen.”

If the UN Secretary General Kofi Annan, if the member states cannot “make something happen,” then the United Nations has proven itself not only a failure, but totally irrelevant.